30則英語經(jīng)典幽默故事（二）
下面是學(xué)習(xí)啦小編整理的30則英語經(jīng)典幽默故事，希望大家喜歡!
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事1.
The clerk at the post-office counter told the woman, “ You have to put another stamp on this letter-it’s too heavy.”
She replied, “ And that’ll make it lighter?”
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事2.
A woman trying on pair after pair of shoes insisted that she had to have a pair that were extremely comfortable, “ I have water on the knee, “ she finally explained.
“ Oh, well then, how about these?” asked the clerk, opening another box. “ They’re pumps,”
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事3.
“ I beg your pardon,” said the man returning to his seat in the theater, “ but did I step on your toes when I left?”
“ You certainly did!” answered the annoyed patron.
The man turned to his companion. “ Honey, come on,” he said, “ We’re in the right now!”
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事4.
“ Did you know that George Washington’s inaugural speech lasted all of one and a half minutes?” asked Jane. “ I guess there’s just not much to say if you’re a politician who can’t tell a lie.”
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事5.
A hunting party was hopeless lost. “ I thought you said you were the best guide in Maine!” one of the hunters angrily said to their confused leader.
“ I am, “ replied the guide. “ But I think we’re in Canada now.”
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事6.
A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose profession was the oldest. “ On the sixth day, God took one of Adam’s ribs and created Eve, “ said the doctor. “ So that makes him a surgeon first.”
“Please,” said the engineer. “ Before that, God created the world from chaos and confusion, so he was first an engineer.”
“ Interestingly,” said the lawyer smugly, “ but who do you think created the chaos and confusion?”
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事7.
A man walked into a bar and saw an old friend dejectedly nursing a drink. “ You look terrible,” the man said.
“ My mother died in March and left me 000, “ said the friend. “ Then in April my father dies and left me 000.”
“Gee, that’s tough, losing both parents in two months.”
“Then to top it off, “ the friend said. “ my aunt died last month and left me 000.”
“ How sad.”
“ Tell me about,” the friend continued. “ So far this month, nothing.”
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事8.
One day a man went into a chemist’s shop, and said “ Have you anything to cure a headache?”
The chemist took a bottle from a shelf, held it under the gentleman’s nose and took out the cork. The smell was so strong that tears came into the man’s eyes and ran down his cheeks.
“ What did you do that for?” he said angrily, as soon as he could get back his breath.
“But that medicine has cured your headache, hasn’t it?” said the chemist.
“ You fool, “ said the man, “ It’s my wife that has the headache, not me!”
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事9.
Paddy was telling Mike of his plans to make a lot of money.
“ I intend to buy a dozen swarms of bees and every morning at dawn I’m going to let them into the park opposite to my house to spend all day making honey, while I relax.”
“ But the park doesn’t open until nine o’clock, “ protested Mike.
“ I realize that, “ said Paddy, “ but I know where there is a hole in the fence.”
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事10.
Paddy got a job at an observatory. During his first night’s duty he paused to watch a learned professor who was peering through a large telescope. Just then a star fell.
“ Man alive!” exclaimed the astonished Paddy. “ You are a fine shot.”
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事11.
Paddy got a job as a doorman in a big building. He managed very well with PUSH and PULL sign but he was seen struggling with his fingers under a door marked LIFT.
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事12.
W: Your snoring has become unbearable.
H: How bad could it be?
W: Well, if you had been sawing real wood, you’d have wiped out half the tropical rain forest.
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事13.
Lecturing about the evils of staying out late and sleeping away the morning, the man began to scold his teenage son. “ You will never amount to anything unless you turn over a new leaf, “ he said. “Remember that the early bird gets the worm.”
“ But , Dad, “ argued the son, “wasn’t the worm stupid for getting up so early?”
“The worm hadn’t been to bed,” the father replied. “ He was on his way home!”
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事14.
W1: Working full time and trying to do the housework really gets to me. After work I came home and washed the clothes and dishes. Tomorrow I have to wash the kitchen floor and the front window……”
W2: What about your husband?
W1: Absolutely not! He can wash himself.
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事15.
A man went to a pet shop to buy a parrot. “ We have three,” said the clerk. “ This blue one speaks four languages and costs 00, and the red parrot knows six languages and costs 00. The orange one over there costs 000, but doesn’t talk at all. ”Three thousands!” exclaimed the man. “ How come so much?” “Well,” the clerk went on, “We don’t know what he does, but the other two call him ‘boss’”
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事16.
PET THEORY: With a dog, you feed him, you give him plenty of affection, and you take him for walks and he thinks, ”Wow, this guy must be a God.” With a cat, however, you feed him, you love him, you care for him and he thinks, “ Wow, I must be a God.”
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事17.
A college English professor wrote the words “ Woman without her man is savage” on the blackboard, and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
He found the men looked at it one way, and the women another.
The males wrote, “ Woman, without her man, is a savage!”
The females wrote, “ Woman! Without her, man is a savage!”
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事18.
A: Did you give your wife that little lecture on economy you talked about?
B: Yes.
A: Any results?
B: Yes, I have got to give up smoking.
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事19.
Speeder: Was I driving too fast?
Cop: Heck, no! You were flying too low.
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事20.
A: Why is your car painted blue on one side and red on the other?
B: It is a great scheme. You should hear witnesses contradicting each other.
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事21.
A man with two badly burned ears went to see his doctor.
“What happened?” Asked the doctor.
“Well,” began the man, “ my wife was ironing while I was watching the ball game on TV. She put the hot iron near the telephone and when the phone rang, I answered the iron.”
The doctor nodded. “But what happened to the other ear?”
“No sooner had I hung up, said the man, “ than the same guy called up again!”
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事22.
It was a few days before Christmas, so when the office closed at half past five, most of the young men and typists stayed and had a party. They ate and drank, danced and sang songs, and nobody wanted to go home. But Joe lived quite long way from the city. Every few minutes he looked at his watch, and at last, when it was very late, he began to leave.
“Joe!” shouted his friends.” Are you leaving? Why don’t you stay and enjoy the party?”
“I am not leaving,” said Joe. “ I am only going down to the station to miss the last train back home. I will be back in a few minutes.”
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事23.
Landlady: How do you like the room as a whole?
Visitor: As a hole, it’s fine; as a room it’s not so good.
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事24.
The teacher was giving her class a lecture on mottoes, and remarked that she wished the class to memorize the motto, “ It is better to give than to receive.”
A small boy cried out, “Yes, Miss, my father says he has always used that as his motto in business.”
“ Oh, how noble of him! What is his business?”
“ He’s a boxer, Miss.”
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事25.
An engineer, a mathematician and a physicist were standing around the university flagpole when an English professor wandered by. “ What are you doing?” he asked.” We need to know the height of the flagpole,” answered one, “ and we’re discussing the formulas we might use to calculate it.”
“ Watch. “ said the English professor. He pulled the pole from its fitting, laid it on the grass, borrowed a tape measure and said, “ Exactly 24 feet.” Then he replaced the pole and walked away.
“English professor.” Sneered the mathematician. “ We ask him for the height, and he gives us the length.”
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事26.
At a wedding ceremony, someone asked the bridegroom the reason that he had fallen into love with the bride. And the bridegroom answered: “ Oh! I don’t know. It must have been a big blunder! Since I’m too fond of drink, at the very beginning, I was just fascinated by her dimples, but now I have to marry the whole of her!”
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事27.
T: Jenny, what’s Abstract Noun?
J: I don’t know, sir.
T: What! You don’t know? Abstract Noun refers to those things you can imagine but can’t touch. Now, can you give me an example?
J: The burning fire tongs.
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事28.
The Real Braggart was dying. “ Now, I tell the truth, there is much money hidden in the jar under the floor, and you can use it for my ceremony.” After this remark, he died. His relatives hold a funeral ceremony for him. As soon as the ceremony was over, they rushed back and prized open the floor. Really, a jar was under it, but with only a note in it which reads: “ this is the last brag in my life.”
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事29.
In physics class, the teacher told the students, “ The atmosphere expands in summer and contracts in winter. Can you understand?”
“ Yes.” Jim answered. “ That’s why summer holiday is so long and winter holiday is so short.”
英語經(jīng)典幽默故事30.
A young man wrote to his girlfriend: “ Dear Anna, I’m so forgetful that I can’t remember whether you promised me or not when I asked you to be my wife last month?”
Soon, he got a letter from his girlfriend: “ Peter, my dear, I’m very forgetful, too. I remember I have refused a man, but I forgot who he was.”